Anger

Finding someone to blame for a terrible situation can be a way of making sense of something that seems to make no sense. You may be angry that a diagnosis was not made earlier or that different treatment options were not explored. Or, you may be angry because health care providers do not seem to care or do enough for the patient. This anger may actually come from feelings of guilt for not being able to spend more time caring for the patient yourself. Sometimes anger is a rational response to a situation, but other times there are underlying reasons for the anger, such as guilt, envy, or sadness.

If anger is preventing family members from spending quality time with the patient, visiting a health care professional who can help sort out reasons behind this anger might be a good idea.

Family and friends may also have feelings of anger toward the patient, especially if relationships have been distant or characterized by conflict in the past. Some people want to take the opportunity to resolve long-time disputes or lingering conflict before death occurs, but for others, the act of reconciliation is just not realistic. People who are uncertain about whether to bring up unresolved issues with a patient may want to consider that anything unresolved may intensify for them after death. Sometimes reconciliation is worth trying. How to do this is usually limited by our fear of doing so.  Saying something like, "I just have to say before I go today that I am sorry that this was a problem for us in the past.", casts no blame on either party, is likely completely honest, and opens a door for discussion if the patient is ready to do so.  They may simply think about it and address it another time.  If not, then you know you have done your best, and do not have to carry that burden with you.  Family members may find it helpful to speak with the health care team if they have concerns about relationships within the family.