10 Things to Say to a Dying Person

What do you say to someone who is dying?  Clarissa P. Green addressed this issue at a public education seminar organized by the North Shore Hospice Society.  Here are some of Ms Green's suggestions (reproduced here with permission)

Start by asking permission to bring up topics related to end-of-life/estates/wills etc.  Plan a time and choose a place that "works" for whoever is part of the conversation.

1.  What hopes do you have for the next months/years of your life?  How do you want family members/friends to pay attention to that?

2.  How do you want your death to be different from your parents' ?  Grandparents'?

3.  What are you most afraid of in the dying process?  (for example, pain, being alone, not knowing "where you are going" etc).  What can you do no now to lessen your fear? Who might help you?

4.  Where do you want to be and who, if anyone, do you want there with you at the end?  Who do you hope isn't  there?

5.  What conversations, if any, need to happen with family or friends before you die?  How will they know you want to talk to them?  What do you need to say?  What do you need to ask?  What do you hope they ask you?

6.  Now that you are facing the end of your life, what do you worry about for yourself?  for loved ones? Who should you be talking to about these worries?

7.  What customs, rituals, traditions or special activities do you want to be part of the end-of-your-life?  Who knows about the importance of these, the timing, etc?

8.  Where is your "Living Will" and who knows the location?  Where is your legal will and who knows the location?  Is it up to date and signed?  How clear are your representative and your executor about your intentions (as expressed through your wills)?  Who will manage the financial and practical aspects of your estate, including distribution of artifacts and sale of property?

9.  What do you want done with your body after you die?  (washed and dressed? specific clothing? other items such as jewellery to "go with you"?  cremation? burial?)  If family members wish to spend time with your body after your death, is that acceptable to you?

10.  What kind of recognition/ceremony/celebration/service, if any, would you want after you die?  Where do you hope this happens?  Who do you want to orchestrate it? What should it include?  What do you hope doesn't happen?

Our hope is that these suggestions might help you to start and continue important conversations with your loved ones. 

material copyright Clarissa P. Green (2010).